![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
May. 10th, 2020 01:13 amlaughter has landed me in my body and the oppressiveness of having never known what to do with it has lifted slightly. I am not sure exactly what brought on all the joking and dancing, but considering how I had felt fairly useless before, I think this is fine. Anxiety is a low level ticklish and the aliens are friendly cats in a house. I don't know about humans; they are a bit of a foreign concept in a tower of labyrinthine joy. I know showing off is a thing 4s are often known to do, but I almost forgot how to speak without using the idiot trickster word gift. It's a tower leading to nowhere, but heck I am so sick of that sense of oppressive emergency
Elastic Heart
Sia
And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might've thought that we were one
I learned to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it , I wanted it bad
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart
And now we stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
You won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
--I love these lyrics, and I've been repeating them to myself in my head like a mantra lately. It keeps me from crying in public.
Sia
And another one bites the dust
But why can I not conquer love?
And I might've thought that we were one
I learned to fight this war without weapons
And I wanted it , I wanted it bad
But there was so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
Yeah, I've got an elastic heart
And now we stay up through the night
Let's be clear, won't close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I'll walk through fire to save my life
And I want it, I want my life so bad
I'm doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It's hard to lose a chosen one
You did not break me
I'm still fighting for peace
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
But you won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
Well I've got a thick skin and an elastic heart
But your blade it might be too sharp
I'm like a rubber band, until you pull too hard
But I may snap and I move fast
You won't see me move no more
'Cause I've got an elastic heart
I've got an elastic heart
--I love these lyrics, and I've been repeating them to myself in my head like a mantra lately. It keeps me from crying in public.
emotional cleansing
May. 30th, 2019 01:32 amI really wanna believe that this is why I'm bawling my eyes out right now and trying to strangle the screams in my throat. Thanks to rum, as well...
heaviness in heart center? oh so I'm NOT about to have a heart attack
I wanted to tap into some anger, so I got really drunk and started listening to Otep. How...typical.
This is just what I can expect from myself. I'm still not feeling the anger in a direct way that I can really use.
I get sad and lethargic. I am not sure what I can do to push it out. I need to get angry because there's so much to be angry about in the world.
I have no power; anger is just going to hurt me.
I adore Otep Shamaya and she's probably the closest I get to having some kind of celebrity 'crush', but it's all about her spirit. I just can't get enough of that channeled rage.
I wish I had it in me right now to really throw out a long rant, but there is honestly nothing in my head yet. I have tried to 'lubricate' my mind with alcohol, but it just seems to be...shutting me down.
Fail.
Sorry...I really hoped I would have something by now. It's almost midnight.
A meme I saw today on Instagram consisted of this:
man: *stares at me*
me: shut the fuck up
...Sounds about right
This is just what I can expect from myself. I'm still not feeling the anger in a direct way that I can really use.
I get sad and lethargic. I am not sure what I can do to push it out. I need to get angry because there's so much to be angry about in the world.
I have no power; anger is just going to hurt me.
I adore Otep Shamaya and she's probably the closest I get to having some kind of celebrity 'crush', but it's all about her spirit. I just can't get enough of that channeled rage.
I wish I had it in me right now to really throw out a long rant, but there is honestly nothing in my head yet. I have tried to 'lubricate' my mind with alcohol, but it just seems to be...shutting me down.
Fail.
Sorry...I really hoped I would have something by now. It's almost midnight.
A meme I saw today on Instagram consisted of this:
man: *stares at me*
me: shut the fuck up
...Sounds about right
Getting over the Hump
May. 29th, 2019 06:54 pmAnother hard-hitting message from FJ, the INFJ
I am also an INFJ, and I can relate to every single point he makes. I am not as unhealthy as I've ever been, but any time I start falling, I get worse in all of these traits. The only thing I don't think I do at all (now) is #7.
1. Inability to communicate, disconnected from reality. Introverted Intuition (Ni) is out of control.
2. Primitive (he means rudimentary or simplistic/extreme) sensory function. Overindulge in food/drink/sex for periods in one's life because of discomfort with extroverted sensing. Ignores it most of the time, then goes crazy with it.
3. Lack of identity. Always looking outward to other people to make decisions. Relies on Fe.
4. No boundaries. Feels responsible for other people's emotions...*sigh* Can't feel good about looking out for one's own self, more concerned with other people's interests. Tailoring your behavior so that no one else becomes upset, and if someone is upset, you change your behavior until they're no longer upset. Develops in families..."I'm not gonna say emotional "dumping ground", that's going a little too far." You need to learn to just let people be angry, let them be upset, let them be sad...
"You need to develop a little bit of...live and let die."
Just feel selfish. LOL
Ahhhhh….
5. Extreme Perfectionist. INFJs are dreamers, first and foremost. The "artist type" - Carl Jung. You don't do anything because you are afraid of getting it wrong! Introverted intuition is unrealistic, so you dream up all of these beautiful ideas, but know that you could never bring it into reality the way it was in your mind. So you don't even try. *facepalm* Just do it, get it out there. It's never going to be perfect, there's no chance. Get over it.
6. Keeps others at arm's length. They're lost in their head (Ni), and Extroverted Feeling (Fe) can be very shallow b/c it just has to do with fitting into the moment/social environment. Automatic behavior. For people to get a sense of the 'real you', you have to stop that a little bit...ugh how? We don't even know who the "real us" is, so how can we tell anyone about it?
7. INFJ as an excuse. "This point is gonna hurt a lot of people's feelings. . . and make them smash the dislike button." heh. Using typology as an excuse to never change. I did this more with the enneagram than MBTI, because I feel type and instinct 4w5 sx/sp gets much deeper into where I'm really flawed and distorted.
I am also an INFJ, and I can relate to every single point he makes. I am not as unhealthy as I've ever been, but any time I start falling, I get worse in all of these traits. The only thing I don't think I do at all (now) is #7.
1. Inability to communicate, disconnected from reality. Introverted Intuition (Ni) is out of control.
2. Primitive (he means rudimentary or simplistic/extreme) sensory function. Overindulge in food/drink/sex for periods in one's life because of discomfort with extroverted sensing. Ignores it most of the time, then goes crazy with it.
3. Lack of identity. Always looking outward to other people to make decisions. Relies on Fe.
4. No boundaries. Feels responsible for other people's emotions...*sigh* Can't feel good about looking out for one's own self, more concerned with other people's interests. Tailoring your behavior so that no one else becomes upset, and if someone is upset, you change your behavior until they're no longer upset. Develops in families..."I'm not gonna say emotional "dumping ground", that's going a little too far." You need to learn to just let people be angry, let them be upset, let them be sad...
"You need to develop a little bit of...live and let die."
Just feel selfish. LOL
Ahhhhh….
5. Extreme Perfectionist. INFJs are dreamers, first and foremost. The "artist type" - Carl Jung. You don't do anything because you are afraid of getting it wrong! Introverted intuition is unrealistic, so you dream up all of these beautiful ideas, but know that you could never bring it into reality the way it was in your mind. So you don't even try. *facepalm* Just do it, get it out there. It's never going to be perfect, there's no chance. Get over it.
6. Keeps others at arm's length. They're lost in their head (Ni), and Extroverted Feeling (Fe) can be very shallow b/c it just has to do with fitting into the moment/social environment. Automatic behavior. For people to get a sense of the 'real you', you have to stop that a little bit...ugh how? We don't even know who the "real us" is, so how can we tell anyone about it?
7. INFJ as an excuse. "This point is gonna hurt a lot of people's feelings. . . and make them smash the dislike button." heh. Using typology as an excuse to never change. I did this more with the enneagram than MBTI, because I feel type and instinct 4w5 sx/sp gets much deeper into where I'm really flawed and distorted.
Another orientation: demisexuality
May. 28th, 2019 05:01 amI was reading through this article for the second or third time: https://bestlifeonline.com/demisexual/
I may start referring to myself as "half and half" now (but only privately, because that is hella goofy), since I've been able to put my finger on possibly the most nebulous, ethereal sexual orientation in the world: someone who is both bi/pansexual and demisexual. I don't know if it can be more Piscean than that!
I've seen it argued that this is just a made-up orientation and some fancy label for someone who is more or less 'normal' and doesn't do casual sex, but I think it's all a matter of degree. I can definitely relate to what is being said in this article. It makes a lot of sense to me that people would want to have a way to describe feeling this way. It's like being asexual...until an emotional bond is formed. In my case, it can feel more like a spiritual or emotional attraction. I just don't get crushes on celebrities the way that other people seem to do. I just don't look at a person and want to touch them based on their appearance. I have never freaked out over a person's looks like that. It's not that I can't appreciate beauty, because I do...but it just doesn't turn me on. I am looking for someone that makes me feel emotionally free and loved; what's happening with their body bag is not that much of a concern. Most of the serious 'crushes' (I hate that word) or loves I've had in my life only started after I got to know the person. I would feel nothing for them when we first met, but then after talking to them for some time, suddenly I would realize one day that I had started to develop feelings for them. And even then, it didn't become a sexual feeling for months or even years after the initial emotional 'spark'. I'm not sure I'm describing this well...it is my very first attempt to do so.
I don't usually talk about it, because I think others would see me as congratulating myself for being "deep" or at least not superficial or something, but it's not something I can help anymore than others' obsession with looks. It requires no effort on my part to be this way. It's all up in the head and heart for me.
It's a very strange way to feel, especially in this society that prizes the casual dating scene and physical appearance in such a crass, unapologetic way. It's little wonder to me that people would feel the need to create a word for not being that way, even define it as a sexual orientation.
I could say that I'm demisexual, but I probably won't go around using that label, because I would probably just be giving people another reason to think I'm a total weirdo, and then they'd be confused and I'd have to explain what it means..and then ahh frustration and impatience. I especially like the parts at the end where it describes a person who does not understand flirting, simply doesn't get it. Yep, check. What is flirting? I don't know. I don't know if I am flirting, and I don't often understand if other people are flirting with me. Or if they do and it's really obvious, I don't know how to flirt back.
I remember reading something else about demisexuality, where the writer said that they had thought they were asexual for several years, because they didn't feel attraction to people, until suddenly they felt attraction to a close friend. That is similar to my own experience. I used to think I just didn't have much of a sex drive at all, but then suddenly one day...
It's surprising and overwhelming to find out that you do!
Here's another article on demisexuality (yes, I'm typing that word out as much as possible now because it's fun and oddly validating): https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual
From the last article:
"In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners."
This explains a lot for me. That is exactly how I am (with the caveat that I do genuinely feel something like spiritual attraction that doesn't necessitate the closest of actual bonds be formed, but there has to be something between us on the emotional level for that attraction to even be possible.
I may need to query myself on exactly what I'm trying to say when I use the phrase "spiritual attraction". I am not sure what I'm talking about anymore!
I may start referring to myself as "half and half" now (but only privately, because that is hella goofy), since I've been able to put my finger on possibly the most nebulous, ethereal sexual orientation in the world: someone who is both bi/pansexual and demisexual. I don't know if it can be more Piscean than that!
I've seen it argued that this is just a made-up orientation and some fancy label for someone who is more or less 'normal' and doesn't do casual sex, but I think it's all a matter of degree. I can definitely relate to what is being said in this article. It makes a lot of sense to me that people would want to have a way to describe feeling this way. It's like being asexual...until an emotional bond is formed. In my case, it can feel more like a spiritual or emotional attraction. I just don't get crushes on celebrities the way that other people seem to do. I just don't look at a person and want to touch them based on their appearance. I have never freaked out over a person's looks like that. It's not that I can't appreciate beauty, because I do...but it just doesn't turn me on. I am looking for someone that makes me feel emotionally free and loved; what's happening with their body bag is not that much of a concern. Most of the serious 'crushes' (I hate that word) or loves I've had in my life only started after I got to know the person. I would feel nothing for them when we first met, but then after talking to them for some time, suddenly I would realize one day that I had started to develop feelings for them. And even then, it didn't become a sexual feeling for months or even years after the initial emotional 'spark'. I'm not sure I'm describing this well...it is my very first attempt to do so.
I don't usually talk about it, because I think others would see me as congratulating myself for being "deep" or at least not superficial or something, but it's not something I can help anymore than others' obsession with looks. It requires no effort on my part to be this way. It's all up in the head and heart for me.
It's a very strange way to feel, especially in this society that prizes the casual dating scene and physical appearance in such a crass, unapologetic way. It's little wonder to me that people would feel the need to create a word for not being that way, even define it as a sexual orientation.
I could say that I'm demisexual, but I probably won't go around using that label, because I would probably just be giving people another reason to think I'm a total weirdo, and then they'd be confused and I'd have to explain what it means..and then ahh frustration and impatience. I especially like the parts at the end where it describes a person who does not understand flirting, simply doesn't get it. Yep, check. What is flirting? I don't know. I don't know if I am flirting, and I don't often understand if other people are flirting with me. Or if they do and it's really obvious, I don't know how to flirt back.
I remember reading something else about demisexuality, where the writer said that they had thought they were asexual for several years, because they didn't feel attraction to people, until suddenly they felt attraction to a close friend. That is similar to my own experience. I used to think I just didn't have much of a sex drive at all, but then suddenly one day...
It's surprising and overwhelming to find out that you do!
Here's another article on demisexuality (yes, I'm typing that word out as much as possible now because it's fun and oddly validating): https://www.bustle.com/articles/155277-what-does-demisexual-mean-here-are-6-signs-that-you-may-identify-as-demisexual
From the last article:
"In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners."
This explains a lot for me. That is exactly how I am (with the caveat that I do genuinely feel something like spiritual attraction that doesn't necessitate the closest of actual bonds be formed, but there has to be something between us on the emotional level for that attraction to even be possible.
I may need to query myself on exactly what I'm trying to say when I use the phrase "spiritual attraction". I am not sure what I'm talking about anymore!
Miracle Musical
Jan. 27th, 2019 10:55 pm"The Mind Electric" lyrics
Think of these thoughts as limitless light
Exposing closing circuitry of fright
Think of each moment holding this breath
As death minute in decimal
Resident minor how do you plead
We'll need your testimony on the stand Solemnly swear to tell the whole truth
So help you son now raise your right hand
Father your honor may I explain
My brain has claimed its glory over me
I've a good heart albeit insane
Condemn him to the infirmary
All mine towers crumble down the flowers gasping under rubble
Shrieking in the hall of lull thy genius sates a thirst for trouble
Scattering sparks of thought energy
Deliver me and carry me away
Here in my kingdom I am your lord
I order you to cower and pray
Nuns commence incanting as the lightning strikes mine temples thus
Electrifying mine chambers wholly scorching out thine sovereignty
So spiraling down thy majesty
I beg of thee have mercy on me
I was just a boy you see
I plead of thee have sympathy for me
See how the serfs work the ground And they give it all they've got
And they give it all they've got
And you give it all you've got 'til you're down
See how the brain plays around
And you fall inside a hole you couldn't see
And you fall inside a hole inside a
Someone help me
Understand what's going on inside my mind
Doctor I can't tell if I'm not me
When it grows bright the particles start to
Marvel having made it through the night
Never they ponder whether electric
Calming if you look at it right!
Think of these thoughts as limitless light
Exposing closing circuitry of fright
Think of each moment holding this breath
As death minute in decimal
Resident minor how do you plead
We'll need your testimony on the stand Solemnly swear to tell the whole truth
So help you son now raise your right hand
Father your honor may I explain
My brain has claimed its glory over me
I've a good heart albeit insane
Condemn him to the infirmary
All mine towers crumble down the flowers gasping under rubble
Shrieking in the hall of lull thy genius sates a thirst for trouble
Scattering sparks of thought energy
Deliver me and carry me away
Here in my kingdom I am your lord
I order you to cower and pray
Nuns commence incanting as the lightning strikes mine temples thus
Electrifying mine chambers wholly scorching out thine sovereignty
So spiraling down thy majesty
I beg of thee have mercy on me
I was just a boy you see
I plead of thee have sympathy for me
See how the serfs work the ground And they give it all they've got
And they give it all they've got
And you give it all you've got 'til you're down
See how the brain plays around
And you fall inside a hole you couldn't see
And you fall inside a hole inside a
Someone help me
Understand what's going on inside my mind
Doctor I can't tell if I'm not me
When it grows bright the particles start to
Marvel having made it through the night
Never they ponder whether electric
Calming if you look at it right!
Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit
Oct. 2nd, 2018 10:48 pmThis guided meditation kept me from meditating because I was too busy laughing, but that has to be worth something.
I also found this video very helpful. I've watched a few of Julia Kristina's videos and find her easy to listen to and quite effective for reflection.
Her five reasons why people self-sabotage
1. congruence of inner reality with outer reality (outer experience needs to match self-concept)
2. glass ceiling (I deserve a little of this, but not that much)
3. avoiding vulnerability (fear of getting hurt)
4. imposter phenomenon (people will see what a fraud I am; I don't really know what I'm doing)
5. to protect our ego (fear of failure)
I also found this video very helpful. I've watched a few of Julia Kristina's videos and find her easy to listen to and quite effective for reflection.
Her five reasons why people self-sabotage
1. congruence of inner reality with outer reality (outer experience needs to match self-concept)
2. glass ceiling (I deserve a little of this, but not that much)
3. avoiding vulnerability (fear of getting hurt)
4. imposter phenomenon (people will see what a fraud I am; I don't really know what I'm doing)
5. to protect our ego (fear of failure)
(no subject)
Sep. 6th, 2018 09:23 pmThis song is so painful to listen to every time I hear it regurgitated on the radio:
I've always felt some strange sort of kinship with Rob; it's uncomfortable. But, if I'm feeling particularly angry and hurt, it always helps to listen to MatchBox 20, especially if it's one of their 90's albums.
It's these lyrics that really get me right now:
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give
Also, the songs "Mad Season" and "Unwell" have been appropriate of late.
I've always felt some strange sort of kinship with Rob; it's uncomfortable. But, if I'm feeling particularly angry and hurt, it always helps to listen to MatchBox 20, especially if it's one of their 90's albums.
It's these lyrics that really get me right now:
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's gonna give
Also, the songs "Mad Season" and "Unwell" have been appropriate of late.
Anna Who Was Mad by Anne Sexton
Apr. 18th, 2010 04:39 pmAnna who was mad,
I have a knife in my armpit.
When I stand on tiptoe I tap out messages.
Am I some sort of infection?
Did I make you go insane?
Did I make the sounds go sour?
Did I tell you to climb out the window?
Forgive. Forgive.
Say not I did.
Say not.
Say.
Speak Mary-words into our pillow.
Take me the gangling twelve-year-old
into your sunken lap.
Whisper like a buttercup.
Eat me. Eat me up like cream pudding.
Take me in.
Take me.
Take.
Give me a report on the condition of my soul.
Give me a complete statement of my actions.
Hand me a jack-in-the-pulpit and let me listen in.
Put me in the stirrups and bring a tour group through.
Number my sins on the grocery list and let me buy.
Did I make you go insane?
Did I turn up your earphone and let a siren drive through?
Did I open the door for the mustached psychiatrist
who dragged you out like a gold cart?
Did I make you go insane?
From the grave write me, Anna!
You are nothing but ashes but nevertheless
pick up the Parker Pen I gave you.
Write me.
Write.
I have a knife in my armpit.
When I stand on tiptoe I tap out messages.
Am I some sort of infection?
Did I make you go insane?
Did I make the sounds go sour?
Did I tell you to climb out the window?
Forgive. Forgive.
Say not I did.
Say not.
Say.
Speak Mary-words into our pillow.
Take me the gangling twelve-year-old
into your sunken lap.
Whisper like a buttercup.
Eat me. Eat me up like cream pudding.
Take me in.
Take me.
Take.
Give me a report on the condition of my soul.
Give me a complete statement of my actions.
Hand me a jack-in-the-pulpit and let me listen in.
Put me in the stirrups and bring a tour group through.
Number my sins on the grocery list and let me buy.
Did I make you go insane?
Did I turn up your earphone and let a siren drive through?
Did I open the door for the mustached psychiatrist
who dragged you out like a gold cart?
Did I make you go insane?
From the grave write me, Anna!
You are nothing but ashes but nevertheless
pick up the Parker Pen I gave you.
Write me.
Write.
